Chapter 18.1 - The Girl's First Love (Part 1)
“What if I say I love you?”
“It would be like lighting a candle in a bright room.”
This line of dialogue is from the film that marked Zeng Li's sexual awakening during her adolescence. One summer afternoon, a few close girlfriends gathered at a classmate’s house, ostensibly to do homework, but they secretly watched DVDs while the parents were away. They first watched a horror movie, and then, to lighten the mood, continued with Days in the Clouds.
For the little girls huddled in front of the sofa, the entire movie made no sense to them, with the only highlight being the raw display of sexual desire. Zeng Li curled up in a small corner, feeling a mix of fear and confusion while watching the scenes on screen, yet pretending to act aloof like everyone else.
The next day, Zeng Li's father returned and said he had found a tutor for her since she was entering her third year of middle school and needed to study harder.
“Is it a man or a woman?” Zeng Li’s mother asked, “We can't have just anyone coming into our house.”
“It’s my cousin’s son, you’ve met him before. He’s in university in Beijing,” Zeng Li’s father replied.
“Which cousin?”
“Your fourth uncle’s wife’s side.”
“None of those people are any good…” Zeng Li’s mother began criticizing her husband's relatives, and soon, another heated argument ensued.
Zeng Li pretended to go to the bathroom to escape. This kind of scene had played out countless times in her life since she could remember. Sometimes, when she went to a friend’s house and saw a warm family of three, she felt a strange emotion inside. She’d comfort herself by thinking that maybe after they left, those families would end up fighting just like her parents.
But her parents didn’t even try to hide it—they would argue and even get physical in front of her friends. Because of this, Zeng Li never dared to bring anyone home.
On the weekend, Zeng Li thought the tutor situation would fizzle out, but to her surprise, her father brought the boy home. This wasn’t the first time Zeng Li had met Yu Yi.
Although the two families were distant relatives, they had met once during Qingming Festival when they went to her ancestral home. Among the dozens of relatives, Zeng Li didn’t remember most of them, but she distinctly remembered Yu Yi because her grandmother had held her hand and introduced him as “Little Cousin.”
So, when Zeng Li saw Yu Yi again, she felt embarrassed. She was no longer the obedient little girl who simply called every adult by the name they told her to. Now, she couldn’t bring herself to call a boy who was only a few years older than her "Little Cousin."
Zeng Li’s father said, “Xiao Li, why aren’t you greeting him?”
Yu Yi smiled. “Let’s just call each other by our names.”
Zeng Li didn’t have her own room at home. She had a small bed in the living room, and when she did her homework, she used the desk in her parents’ bedroom. So, Yu Yi tutored her in the bedroom.
Yu Yi was the result of a late pregnancy, and for that reason, his household didn’t even register his birth until he was seven years old. However, no one expected that he would be so intelligent. He was famous in the entire county for his academic brilliance, and when he got into university, the school even put up a large red banner outside, almost as if they were afraid others wouldn’t know.
After Yu Yi came home for the summer, many people sought him out for tutoring. Finally, at Zeng Li’s father’s insistence, he managed to make time to tutor Zeng Li on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Except for Saturdays, they were alone at home. Since they were relatives and knew each other well, Zeng Li’s mother had no worries, and Zeng Li didn’t think much of it.
Zeng Li had already finished her second year of middle school, but she had yet to get her first period, so perhaps because of this, she was less sensitive to the differences between boys and girls compared to other girls her age.
The following Saturday, Zeng Li’s parents began arguing again. She sat next to Yu Yi as he explained a geometry problem to her. When they heard the shouting from outside, Yu Yi paused, and the noise from the argument almost drowned out his voice. He stopped talking, and they both waited for the noise to die down. But this waiting seemed endless. Finally, Yu Yi stood up and shut the bedroom door.
Zeng Li looked at him awkwardly, thinking he must have been annoyed. But instead, Yu Yi turned back and smiled. “Let’s ignore them for now. Let’s take a break. I’ll tell you a joke.”
Yu Yi was a cheerful person, and his storytelling was vivid and lively, making Zeng Li listen intently. Just as the joke was about to reach the punchline, Zeng Li’s mother suddenly barged in. The door slammed open with a loud thud, startling Zeng Li and interrupting Yu Yi’s story.
“Zeng Li, tell me, if your dad and I got divorced, who would you live with?” Zeng Li’s mother asked, bluntly.
Zeng Li froze in her seat. She had been asked this question countless times, but was it really necessary to ask in front of a stranger?
Before she could answer, Zeng Li’s father stormed in and yelled, “Let’s get divorced then, who’s afraid? I bet you’ve found someone else already and are hoping to marry someone wealthier than me…”
The two continued arguing, leaving Zeng Li and Yu Yi behind. Eventually, in a fit of rage, Zeng Li’s father slammed the door and left.
